August 15, 2018

On the most serious mistake I've made in my life


1. Summary
On the most serious mistake I've made in my life
3. On the consequences of my mistake

This is a Nederlog of Wednesday, August 15, 2018.

1. Summary

I have been writing about the crisis since September 1, 2008 (in Dutch, but since 2010 in English) and about the enormous dangers of surveillance (by secret services and by many rich commercial entities) since June 10, 2013, and I will continue with it.

On the moment and since more than two years (!!!!) I have problems with the company that is supposed to take care that my site is visible [1] and with my health, but I am still writing a Nederlog every day and I shall continue.

2. On the most serious mistake I've made in my life

This is and it isn´t a crisis file. I have decided not to mark this file as a crisis file, even though the crisis - for me - is based on my mistake(s).

The main reason for this is - for my self and my ex, at least -
that the crisis started with the disease that my ex and I got, in January of 1979. Neither the crisis nor the disease is over, almost 40 years later, but the disease started 16 months after the major mistake I made.

The most serious mistake I´ve made in my life is that I decided to return from Norway in August 1977 - 41 years ago - and that after I had lived there for two years and 8 months; had a permission to stay since two years and 5 months; could both have gotten a work permit; and had  the permission to study at a Norwegian university, and indeed would and could have become a Norwegian soon as well.

I did not. Instead, I followed the plan that I had formed before leaving for Norway on December 31 1974, which was to get the state examination that would allow me to study in the university (that I still had not passed, but did pass in 1976), and then to study in the University of Amsterdam.

And this is what I did. Here is why this was the most serious mistake I´ve made in my life.

There were several sides to it.

The first is that my Norwegian girl friend and I were still together, but we had some problems. I do not think these were very serious if I had decided to stay in Norway. But while I could have studied in Norway starting in the end of 1977, this made it almost necessary to live in Oslo, and my girl friend and I did not like Oslo at all, and we both strongly preferred not to live there.

And the second - more important - reason is that while I did know a little about the UvA (the University of Amsterdam), I did not know much about it, and in particular had missed the fact that since the end of 1971 the UvA and all other Dutch universities were in fact, in a legal sense, given to the students by the then Minister of Education Veerman.

This was in fact unique in the world, and seems to have been Veerman´s and other Dutch politicians´ reactions to (i) the failed revolution in May ´68 in France and (ii) the occupation
of the central building of the UvA in 1969 by the students (that shocked the Dutch, but not many others).

What the Dutch politicians did in 1971 amounted to the following:
(i) to impose a completely new structure on each and every Dutch university that consisted of something close to a parliament (called the ¨Universiteitsraad¨) that would have the formal power in each and every university, together with a similar reform in each and every faculty of each and every Dutch university (called the ¨Faculteitsraad¨), that made them much like city governments in Dutch politics;

(ii) to assure that each of these councils would be voted for each year by all the students and by all of the staff and also by anyone else employed by a Dutch university (like: secretaries, cleaners, printers etc.);

(iii) to assure that the actual leadership in each and every university would be in the hands of something like a government, that consisted of some leading members of each university and

(iv) to assure that each and everyone who could vote in these yearly elections all would formally amount to the same, which meant that professors, lecturers, students, secretaries and cleaners (if employed by a Dutch university) all would have one vote per person.
And this meant in fact that the universities were formally in the power of the students, for the simple reason that there were far more students than staff members and other personnel.

In fact, I do not know how much I knew of these - extremely radical - changes by 1974, but in any case this did not matter much, because to appreciate the real effects of these changes one had to be a student or a staff member in a Dutch university, and I was not.

There also was a third reason, although that did not at all seem important in 1977:

I did not at all count with the possibility that I (and indeed my ex) would become and remain ill in January 1979; would not get better the next 40 years; and also would be consistently discriminated by virtually all Dutch doctors and all Dutch bureaucrats, who claimed for forty years, and till March 2018, that we were not ill at all: we were hallucinating or deceiving the medics (and the bureaucrats).

But I did fall ill on January 1, 1979; my Dutch ex fell ill on January 10, 1979; and we have been ill ever since - and it was almost universally claimed (by Dutch doctors and Dutch bureaucrats) that we were not ill at all, that is, until March 2018.

In fact, I did not count at all with the possibility that I would get ill, and indeed would not have believed in 1977 that not only would I get ill, but that I would not be believed for nearly 40 years in Holland that I was ill, which is mainly due to Dutch doctors and Dutch psychiatrists - who lied to me (and my ex), and indeed said we were ¨psychosomatizers¨, which is not even a proper medical judgement.

Finally, there also was a fourth reason:

I liked Norway; I liked its nature; I liked its people; I liked the language(s), and in fact, apart from the lack of books where we lived (in a small village in the middle of Norway), I liked Norway much better than I ever did Holland.

But I did not consider this, mostly because I had never counted with the possibility that I would fall ill and remain ill for the next forty years. (I had since the early 1970ies assumed that I probably would leave Holland if I had an M.A.)

Before briefly listing the consequences of my mistake not to remain in Norway, I want to consider one more question: How responsible was I for my mistakes?

I listed four reasons for my mistake, but I honestly think that I do not have much responsibility for three out of four reasons.

Then again, I was responsible for the second mistake, and should have known more and better about the Dutch universities since 1971. To what extent this would have been possible in Norway I do not know, but I do know that if I had known as much as 10% of the horrors I was faced with in the University of Amsterdam, I would have remained in Norway.

3. On the consequences of my mistake

In any case, the consequences of my mistake were pretty clear within two years:
  • In 1978 (after three months of studying) my grant was - once again - totally stopped for totally incomprehensible reasons, probably because of false information by the study advisor from philosophy. (I did make sufficient points for the whole year in the first three months, but otherwise I would have had to stop studying philosophy.)
  • I was immediately diagnosed by the ¨radical¨, ¨communist¨ students of the UvA (mostly members of the ASVA) as ¨a fascist¨ (on August 25, 1977) because I was not a Marxist - and this diagnosis was continued until 1988, at least tens of times and probably over a hundred times.
  • By the end of 1978 I loathed the university climate (where I was consistently called ¨a - dirty - fascist¨, even though both of my parents were communists, who had played heroic roles in the Resistance against the Nazis, and with a father and a grandfather who were committed - as ¨political terrorists¨ - to German concentration camps) because I did not learn anything whatsoever.
  • This enticed me to start a new student party (the NASA) and to take part in the university elections, but after we made 5% of the votes, I recognized we would never have enough votes to change the university or its policies, and I gave the NASA up (that very soon disappeared).
  • In January 1979 I fell ill, and nine days later my ex fell ill, and we are still ill in 2018, but with the difference that until 2018 we were not even considered to be ill with a ¨serious chronic disease¨, which made for endless difficulties for me (from 1984 till 2011) with the Amsterdam dole.
I could add many more horrible facts - twice 3 1/2 years of terrorism, from which I could not escape because I was ill, for example - but I add just one more fact:
  • In 1988 I was removed from the faculty of philosophy of the UvA, which meant I could not take an M.A. in philosophy, after studying it since 1965, and namely because I was ¨a - dirty - fascist¨ and ¨a terrorist¨ simply because I had written and said that all but one of my ¨teachers¨ of philosophy were lazy and utterly incompetent, which was the literal truth.
Finally, I think none of the things that happened since August 1977 would have happened to me had I remained in Norway.


[1] I have now been saying since the end of 2015 that is systematically ruining my site by NOT updating it within a few seconds, as it did between 1996 and 2015, but by updating it between two to seven days later, that is, if I am lucky.

They have claimed that my site was wrongly named in html: A lie. They have claimed that my operating system was out of date: A lie.

And they just don't care for my site, my interests, my values or my ideas. They have behaved now for 2 years as if they are the eagerly willing instruments of the US's secret services, which I will from now on suppose they are (for truth is dead in Holland).

The only two reasons I remain with xs4all is that my site has been there since 1996, and I have no reasons whatsoever to suppose that any other Dutch provider is any better (!!).
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